A Night and the Woods
Today I want to tell you a story. It’s a long one so you might have to do some work here, but it’s all true so that’s got to be worth something don’t you think?
It’s about what happens when bored teenage boys are left unsupervised. Don’t worry; it’s not one of those stories, nothing tragic happens here. The only tragic thing here was my hair and fashion sense in those days.
Let’s go back a ways, to a Saturday evening in the late eighties. It’s late fall, cool and crisp but not yet cold out. Leaves have begun to turn and fall. Shadows have begun to get longer and the darkness has started to move in for the term.
The eternal question of the teenager: what do you want to do? Gary and I were trying to answer that one and not coming up with much. We had been on the phone with Kjell and there were a few of the guys over at his place also asking the same question. Between us we had come up with nothing. We had also consulted with the girls, who were gathered over at one of their houses but they too had come up with zilch. Why was there always nothing to do?
It got later and later and still nothing was coming together. It didn’t look like any party was going to happen and nobody could decide on doing anything else. But we all wanted to do something at least. It was Saturday night for crying out loud! Gary and I had enough of the phone game and Kjell seemed to be finally accepting the fact that people were going to end up all crashing his house as his was the only one with no parents at home. We headed over and met up with the other guys. Jason was there, along with Colin and Kevin. We all sat around waiting for something exciting to do. Kjell showed us his cool old man mask and oversized pants that he was going to wear as his Halloween costume. It looked hilarious and slightly creepy. The mask was rubber and had a black patch over one eye but looked disturbingly realistic.
The phone rang.
The girls were wondering what we were doing which was still basically nothing. We kept yelling at Kjell to just tell them to come over and then we’d figure it out which usually meant that nothing would ever actually happen and by the time we all got together it would be too late to do anything. He hung up the phone. They were going to come over.
Now, to this day I’m not sure whose idea it was but I think it was Kjell’s. It certainly fit Gary’s profile as well. That it formulated so quickly and spontaneously is remarkable.
We were going to scare the crap out of the girls with Kjell’s new mask.
We had to act fast because they were on their way. We quickly decided that Jason, being the tallest, should put on a pair of overalls and the mask. He looked great. The mask, clothes and big work boots made him look bigger and thicker and quite imposing. He looked like some large homicidal railway engineer. The University Endowment Lands, the thick, heavily wooded area that was still quite rough back then, lay just four doors down from Kjell’s house. It was perfect. We scoped out an area about thirty feet in and set up a candle on a stump in a little clearing bordered by thick bushes. We tried our best to make it look like an altar of some sort. The woods were always a little creepy so Kjell stayed with Jason so he wouldn’t get freaked out. Gary and I ran back to the house to prepare for the girls arrival. We had to cover for Kjell’s lack of being present at his own house so we turned on the shower and closed the door. Gary had his blood packs ready for added dramatic effect. That he carried around blood packs attest to his character in those days.
We realized it might be a little tricky to get the girls to go into the woods with us for no apparent reason so we quickly decided that Gary was “drunk” and he would lead us there somehow. Gary remained outside while I went inside with Colin and Kev. The girls arrived. There was Sandra, the two Christines, Natasha, Jacqui, and Sharon. They asked where Kjell was and we told them he was in the shower. We hung out for a few minutes and Sandra mentioned how they had seen Gary down the street acting a bit “funny”, talking about seeing something in the woods. I told them he had been drinking and that we should go see what he was talking about. So the group of us headed back outside. Gary was in full theatrical mode and I had to do my best not to crack up. He had a wide but glassy eyed look as he told the girls about the “light in the woods” that he had seen. They thought he was just being silly but we managed to get them close enough to the woods to see it. From the street you could just make out the little light flickering deep in the darkness. What could it be? The girls, oddly enough, didn’t want to go into the woods, although they were curious about it. Gary kept moving in and we kept following a short distance behind. Sandra was beside me and the others were a few feet behind us. We stepped around the small bushes and over the downed logs. Gary slowly made his way to the “altar” and the burning candle. We followed closely behind him, bringing the girls deeper into the woods. The girls were getting really nervous now and Sandra held my arm tightly. They kept trying to get Gary to come back. The talk had been quite loose on the way in, the boys peppering the conversation about the strange things that were rumoured to happen in these bushes like satanic cults and ceremonial sacrifices. Now it was getting a little tense. Christine and Sharon hung back a little, suggesting we all go back to the house. I could hear the fear in their voices. Finally, Gary stood by the stump and stared at the candle. The girls had had enough. They had come and seen the candle and now they wanted to go. It was at that very moment that Jason, in full creepy costume, crashed through the bushes, grabbed Gary around the torso, and pulled him back into the darkness. I have to admit, it even got me a little and I knew it was coming.
The girls screamed and we tore out of there like bats from hell. We were back in the house in seconds and the girls were freaking out so much that I knew I was going to have a hard time keeping a straight face. All us guys acted like we didn’t know what to do and we had to act like we were freaking out too. The girls wanted to get Kjell but we reminded them he was in the shower. Jason and Kjell were supposed to sneak back in so the ruse would be complete but that was going to take some trickery because the girls were running around like chickens with their heads cut off. They were worried for Gary's safety and one of them wisely said they should call the cops. Colin and I exchanged a quick glance. We hadn’t thought of that possibility. We valiantly tried to come up with reasons why we shouldn’t call the cops and they were so patently ridiculous that it further contributed to the sense of confusion. Kevin managed to get to the downstairs extension and take it off just as the girls had decided to take control and make the call. They couldn’t get a dial tone. This sent them into a further state of panic.
A couple of the girls ran upstairs and banged on the bathroom door to no avail. They came back down and wondered aloud why Kjell wouldn’t answer the door. I was really beginning to have a hard time keeping a straight face and knew the joke couldn’t go on much longer. The problem was we had no plan so I had no idea where this was going.
Our behaviour was getting even weirder too so I figured the girls were either going to get wise to us real soon or they were going to start crying. I headed outside to see if I could find Gary.
Christine G and Natasha headed upstairs to get Kjell, no matter what. They banged on the bathroom door and then burst in covering their eyes at first in case he was in there naked. Of course he wasn’t and the empty shower confused and scared them even more. They ran out of the bathroom and began looking around upstairs. At this point they discovered Kjell hanging oddly on the balcony acting very strange. He was trying to sneak back in. They dragged him in and tried to rouse him into action and explain himself. One of the guys, I’m not sure who, brilliantly came up with the idea that Kjell was acting so strange because he “had dropped acid” earlier. Kjell went with it. It was so absurd an idea that it worked perfectly and was not met with any questions at this point.
I found Gary a couple of houses away, down on the ground next to a tree. He had put the blood packets in his mouth and he had a nice smear of blood dribbling off his chin. His clothes were all ruffled and out of place. None of the girls had followed me out so we quickly conferred. I got him up and we staggered back to the house. The girls came out on the porch and saw him. They were really upset now and I was waiting for Gary to do the big unveiling. I handed Gary some Kleenex and he cleaned up his face as we made our way inside. He muttered and staggered as if he had just escaped with his life. The whole group gathered in the foyer of the house as we waited for Gary’s explanation of what happened to him. Just when he had everyone’s attention he broke character and smiled. He put both his hands up and wiggled his fingers. “Yeaaaahhhhh….”
It took a minute for it to sink in but then I thought the girls were going to kill us. We were slapped around a little as the nervous laughter washed over everyone. We were forced to explain ourselves. They actually thought it was quite funny, well, after some time, and they were impressed with our acting abilities. However, as their rational thinking brains returned they quickly punched massive holes in our stories and couldn’t believe that they had fallen for it. Ahhh…the beauty of scaring someone silly…
I think they’re still a little mad about that night to this day. It probably wasn’t the nicest thing to do to the girls but it gave us all something to do on a Saturday night and it certainly was a night to remember.
And then there was that other night in the woods…
It’s about what happens when bored teenage boys are left unsupervised. Don’t worry; it’s not one of those stories, nothing tragic happens here. The only tragic thing here was my hair and fashion sense in those days.
Let’s go back a ways, to a Saturday evening in the late eighties. It’s late fall, cool and crisp but not yet cold out. Leaves have begun to turn and fall. Shadows have begun to get longer and the darkness has started to move in for the term.
The eternal question of the teenager: what do you want to do? Gary and I were trying to answer that one and not coming up with much. We had been on the phone with Kjell and there were a few of the guys over at his place also asking the same question. Between us we had come up with nothing. We had also consulted with the girls, who were gathered over at one of their houses but they too had come up with zilch. Why was there always nothing to do?
It got later and later and still nothing was coming together. It didn’t look like any party was going to happen and nobody could decide on doing anything else. But we all wanted to do something at least. It was Saturday night for crying out loud! Gary and I had enough of the phone game and Kjell seemed to be finally accepting the fact that people were going to end up all crashing his house as his was the only one with no parents at home. We headed over and met up with the other guys. Jason was there, along with Colin and Kevin. We all sat around waiting for something exciting to do. Kjell showed us his cool old man mask and oversized pants that he was going to wear as his Halloween costume. It looked hilarious and slightly creepy. The mask was rubber and had a black patch over one eye but looked disturbingly realistic.
The phone rang.
The girls were wondering what we were doing which was still basically nothing. We kept yelling at Kjell to just tell them to come over and then we’d figure it out which usually meant that nothing would ever actually happen and by the time we all got together it would be too late to do anything. He hung up the phone. They were going to come over.
Now, to this day I’m not sure whose idea it was but I think it was Kjell’s. It certainly fit Gary’s profile as well. That it formulated so quickly and spontaneously is remarkable.
We were going to scare the crap out of the girls with Kjell’s new mask.
We had to act fast because they were on their way. We quickly decided that Jason, being the tallest, should put on a pair of overalls and the mask. He looked great. The mask, clothes and big work boots made him look bigger and thicker and quite imposing. He looked like some large homicidal railway engineer. The University Endowment Lands, the thick, heavily wooded area that was still quite rough back then, lay just four doors down from Kjell’s house. It was perfect. We scoped out an area about thirty feet in and set up a candle on a stump in a little clearing bordered by thick bushes. We tried our best to make it look like an altar of some sort. The woods were always a little creepy so Kjell stayed with Jason so he wouldn’t get freaked out. Gary and I ran back to the house to prepare for the girls arrival. We had to cover for Kjell’s lack of being present at his own house so we turned on the shower and closed the door. Gary had his blood packs ready for added dramatic effect. That he carried around blood packs attest to his character in those days.
We realized it might be a little tricky to get the girls to go into the woods with us for no apparent reason so we quickly decided that Gary was “drunk” and he would lead us there somehow. Gary remained outside while I went inside with Colin and Kev. The girls arrived. There was Sandra, the two Christines, Natasha, Jacqui, and Sharon. They asked where Kjell was and we told them he was in the shower. We hung out for a few minutes and Sandra mentioned how they had seen Gary down the street acting a bit “funny”, talking about seeing something in the woods. I told them he had been drinking and that we should go see what he was talking about. So the group of us headed back outside. Gary was in full theatrical mode and I had to do my best not to crack up. He had a wide but glassy eyed look as he told the girls about the “light in the woods” that he had seen. They thought he was just being silly but we managed to get them close enough to the woods to see it. From the street you could just make out the little light flickering deep in the darkness. What could it be? The girls, oddly enough, didn’t want to go into the woods, although they were curious about it. Gary kept moving in and we kept following a short distance behind. Sandra was beside me and the others were a few feet behind us. We stepped around the small bushes and over the downed logs. Gary slowly made his way to the “altar” and the burning candle. We followed closely behind him, bringing the girls deeper into the woods. The girls were getting really nervous now and Sandra held my arm tightly. They kept trying to get Gary to come back. The talk had been quite loose on the way in, the boys peppering the conversation about the strange things that were rumoured to happen in these bushes like satanic cults and ceremonial sacrifices. Now it was getting a little tense. Christine and Sharon hung back a little, suggesting we all go back to the house. I could hear the fear in their voices. Finally, Gary stood by the stump and stared at the candle. The girls had had enough. They had come and seen the candle and now they wanted to go. It was at that very moment that Jason, in full creepy costume, crashed through the bushes, grabbed Gary around the torso, and pulled him back into the darkness. I have to admit, it even got me a little and I knew it was coming.
The girls screamed and we tore out of there like bats from hell. We were back in the house in seconds and the girls were freaking out so much that I knew I was going to have a hard time keeping a straight face. All us guys acted like we didn’t know what to do and we had to act like we were freaking out too. The girls wanted to get Kjell but we reminded them he was in the shower. Jason and Kjell were supposed to sneak back in so the ruse would be complete but that was going to take some trickery because the girls were running around like chickens with their heads cut off. They were worried for Gary's safety and one of them wisely said they should call the cops. Colin and I exchanged a quick glance. We hadn’t thought of that possibility. We valiantly tried to come up with reasons why we shouldn’t call the cops and they were so patently ridiculous that it further contributed to the sense of confusion. Kevin managed to get to the downstairs extension and take it off just as the girls had decided to take control and make the call. They couldn’t get a dial tone. This sent them into a further state of panic.
A couple of the girls ran upstairs and banged on the bathroom door to no avail. They came back down and wondered aloud why Kjell wouldn’t answer the door. I was really beginning to have a hard time keeping a straight face and knew the joke couldn’t go on much longer. The problem was we had no plan so I had no idea where this was going.
Our behaviour was getting even weirder too so I figured the girls were either going to get wise to us real soon or they were going to start crying. I headed outside to see if I could find Gary.
Christine G and Natasha headed upstairs to get Kjell, no matter what. They banged on the bathroom door and then burst in covering their eyes at first in case he was in there naked. Of course he wasn’t and the empty shower confused and scared them even more. They ran out of the bathroom and began looking around upstairs. At this point they discovered Kjell hanging oddly on the balcony acting very strange. He was trying to sneak back in. They dragged him in and tried to rouse him into action and explain himself. One of the guys, I’m not sure who, brilliantly came up with the idea that Kjell was acting so strange because he “had dropped acid” earlier. Kjell went with it. It was so absurd an idea that it worked perfectly and was not met with any questions at this point.
I found Gary a couple of houses away, down on the ground next to a tree. He had put the blood packets in his mouth and he had a nice smear of blood dribbling off his chin. His clothes were all ruffled and out of place. None of the girls had followed me out so we quickly conferred. I got him up and we staggered back to the house. The girls came out on the porch and saw him. They were really upset now and I was waiting for Gary to do the big unveiling. I handed Gary some Kleenex and he cleaned up his face as we made our way inside. He muttered and staggered as if he had just escaped with his life. The whole group gathered in the foyer of the house as we waited for Gary’s explanation of what happened to him. Just when he had everyone’s attention he broke character and smiled. He put both his hands up and wiggled his fingers. “Yeaaaahhhhh….”
It took a minute for it to sink in but then I thought the girls were going to kill us. We were slapped around a little as the nervous laughter washed over everyone. We were forced to explain ourselves. They actually thought it was quite funny, well, after some time, and they were impressed with our acting abilities. However, as their rational thinking brains returned they quickly punched massive holes in our stories and couldn’t believe that they had fallen for it. Ahhh…the beauty of scaring someone silly…
I think they’re still a little mad about that night to this day. It probably wasn’t the nicest thing to do to the girls but it gave us all something to do on a Saturday night and it certainly was a night to remember.
And then there was that other night in the woods…
posted by Biggles at 3:42 AM
3 Comments:
Dude - what a corker! Absolutely hilarious. When are you making the short film of this story?? Lenski
I can only think after reading this long tale of adventurous youth, of the mental anguish you may if not probably placed on your female companions at the time. They say karma is a strong and powerful force in the universe and you my friend are in for a whopping shovel full. Mark my words that one day you may be pounced upon by several large breasted women who’s soul purpose is to scare the testosterone right out of you. They may have to accomplish this using various unknown tactics that may or may not be legal in most countries. You have been forewarned and your little dog too.
But I could be wrong.
What an adventure!
If only Zoidberg was there.
Zoidberg.
Woooowooowoowooo!
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